Spoofy!
by Sleeping Bag
Summary: Satirizing, lampooning, spoofing, and just generally poking fun at pretty much everything I can think of with regards to the Teen Titans. Rock on! Rated for safety. And muffins.
1. On Mary Sues

(Disclaimer: I don't own the Titans, the Fructis brand of hair products, tie-dye, or pretty much anything else. I _do_ have a nice shiny nickel, though. So shiny!)

_-Chapter One: On Mary Sues-_

"Titans! GO!" Robin shouted, and the Titans surrounded Cinderblock, each waiting for an opening to strike. Suddenly, a shadow blocked out the sun for a moment and a city bus fell out of the sky, landing on top of Cinderblock and trapping him under several tons of twisted metal. The Titans looked up in shock to see where the bus had come from, and saw a mysterious girl hovering several hundred feet above their heads, her hands on her hips, a triumphant smile on her face.

How might I describe this mysterious girl? Begin by imagining a typical teenaged fan fiction author girl. Now extrapolate from that in the direction of prettier and, inevitably, skinnier. And no glasses, braces, acne, or whatever else said author girl might not like about her appearance. And she's also instantly, impossibly popular wherever she goes for no discernable reason whatsoever—maybe people can just immediately see how perfect she is or something. She certainly doesn't have any of those inconvenient little negative character traits, like, oh, say, fallibility. Oh, and her hair? It's just…just…wow. That's really all I can say. I don't know how or why her hair is so great, it just is. It's like she's right out of a shampoo commercial. It's all long, and shiny, and…and just so…so…words fail me. And colourful? Man, just think about your favourite colour—it doesn't matter which it is—her hair is that colour. Now, think of another colour, your second favourite—it's _that_ colour, too. Like tie-dye. Or maybe she can control her hair colour or something, so it can be any colour she wants at any given moment. I don't know. Or maybe she's just a normal brunette or blonde, but even so she's still like, the _perfect_ brunette or blonde. Either way, her hair is just _awesome_. So awesome, in fact, that mortal minds could never even _dream_ of comprehending its awesomeness. It's like the Platonic form of hair, torn from the realm of ideas and manifested _on her head_. And strong, too—no nasty split ends for _this_ girl, man, no way. You know that Fructis commercial, where that guy ties that girl's hair to a railing as a joke, and she just tears the railing right out with her hair? Yeah, it's like _that_ strong. Stronger, even. She could, like, pull a _train_ with her hair. Maybe a couple of trains. But it's still, like, _totally _soft and silky and just…_oh, man_. Shit, you gotta see this girl's hair, man.

Anyway, as I was saying, this mysterious girl and her incredible hair slowly descended towards the Titans. As she landed in their midst, she spoke.

"Greetings, Titans! I have come to join you out of the middle of nowhere!" she cried. "Now accept me immediately for no apparent reason!"

"Um…no?" Robin quavered uncertainly.

"Why, of course, I would love to come live with you in your tower!" the mysterious, amazing-haired girl exclaimed. "How nice of you to offer!"

"Um…I said no," Robin stated, much more firmly this time.

"Well, then lead the way to…wait, what?" the girl with the hair said, her train of thought apparently having been tragically broken by the unfortunate intrusion of reality.

"I said no," Robin repeated. The girl was utterly flabbergasted. So was her hair.

"What? B-but I'm…I'm…" she stuttered indignantly. "I'm…_me!_ How could you refuse _me?_ I mean, just _look_ at my _hair!_"

Robin cocked an eyebrow at the hair remark, as did the rest of the Titans (in eerie unison, by the way), but chose to ignore it for now.

"Well, see, ever since that whole Terra…err…_issue_, we've been kind of wary about bringing new members onto the team full-time," Robin explained. "Especially ones who we've never met before and whose names we don't even know."

"Oh, is _that_ all?" the mysterious behaired girl cried. "Easily remedied! My name is…_Amaranillia Starchild-Lightbringer!_"

The Titans just stared, their mouths hanging open.

"It's hyphenated!" Amaranillia proclaimed, as though she was letting them in on some big secret. The Titans just continued to stare.

"Please just call me Amara!" the girl added, grinning widely. The Titans, once again, merely continued to stare. After several seconds of uncomfortable silence, Amara cleared her throat nervously.

"So, now that you know who I am, feel free to invite me to stay with you forever!" she cried, and then grinned triumphantly again. Robin just sighed.

"No, no, that's not really the issue here," he said. "Just knowing your name is not nearly enough for us to trust you. We need to get to know you better first."

"Especially when your name is so damn silly," Raven muttered.

"Oh? Well, then, ask me any questions you like!" Amara exclaimed, ignoring Raven and continuing to grin.

"No, no, you still don't get it," Robin said, attempting to remain as calm as possible. "If trust is still an issue, then for all we know any answers you give us could just be lies. We could put you on the honoraries roster and call you in every once in a while over the next few months to feel out how…"

"Questions! Ask! Now!" Amara screamed, her grin widening well beyond the point of sanity. Robin sighed again, and looked at the other Titans, who shrugged.

"We don't have anything _else_ to do today," Cyborg admitted.

"Okay, whatever," Robin muttered, and turned back to Amara, who was still grinning like a maniac. "Well, to start, what superpowers do you have? You obviously have them, since you dropped that bus on Cinderblock, so what are they?"

"Oh, all of them," Amara replied.

"Yes, of _course_ I want to know _all_ of them," Robin spat, becoming increasingly exasperated with every passing second. "Knowing just _some_ of your superpowers wouldn't do me much good, would it?"

"Oh, no, you misunderstand," Amara explained. "My superpowers _are_ all of them."

"What?" Robin asked, his exasperation suddenly being overtaken by incredulousness.

"I have all the superpowers," Amara stated.

"Oh, you've _got_ to be kidding me," Robin groaned. Exasperation retook the lead, but incredulousness was still a very close second, and a violent outburst was coming up fast on the inside.

"No, no, really!" Amara cried. "Try me!"

"Fine," Robin growled, gritting his teeth. "Can you fly?"

"Of course," Amara replied.

"Superstrength?"

"Yes."

"Superspeed?"

"Yup."

"Invulnerability?"

"Uh huh."

"Heat vision? X-ray vision?"

"Yes and yes."

"How about energy blasts from your hands?"

"Definitely."

"Can you turn into animals?" Beast Boy piped up.

"Absolutely," Amara replied.

"Telepathy? Empathy?" Raven asked.

"Yes to both."

"Okay, what about teleportation, telekinesis, and pyrokinesis?" Raven continued.

"Yes, yes, and yes."

"How about an enhanced intellect and a sonic cannon?" Cyborg asked.

"Well, I don't have a sonic cannon," Amara admitted. "But I can project sonic energy from my vocal chords, so I don't really _need_ a sonic cannon. And my I.Q. is, like, three hundred or something like that."

"Okay, how about mastery of the martial arts?" Robin threw out, rejoining the fray.

"Again, all of them," Amara shot back. "You name a martial art, I've mastered it."

"How about the ability to change your skin into some kind of organic steel armour?" Robin asked.

"Oh, yeah," Amara replied. "I haven't used that one lately, being invulnerable and all, but I can do it."

"What about retractable metal claws?"

"Uh huh."

"A healing factor? Enhanced senses?"

"Yup."

"Magnetic powers? General shapeshifting, not just to animals?"

"Yes."

"Elemental powers, like control over wind, stone, water, fire, and electricity?"

"I have all of those, too."

"Control over the weather?"

"Yes."

"Gravity?"

"Yes."

"_Time?_"

"Yes."

"Can you spin straw into gold?" Starfire inquired loftily. The others turned to stare at her.

"Dude, Rumplestiltskin was a superhero?" Beast Boy asked.

"More like a super_villain_, man," Cyborg said. "I mean, first-born son as payment for services rendered? That's just mean."

"Bah, that dumb bitch knew what she was getting into," Raven interjected, waving her hand dismissively.

"Quiet!" shouted Starfire, and the other Titans could have sworn they heard a whip crack as she pointed dramatically at Amara. "Answer the question, potential new friend!"

"Um, yeah, yeah, I can do that," Amara answered. "Although, with the market being what it is now, it's usually more profitable to spin it into uranium instead."

"Let me get this straight," Cyborg said slowly. "You can spin _straw_ into _uranium?_"

"Yeah, I can turn anything into any element I want," Amara explained. "I'd turn some concrete into Einsteinium or something right here, but you'd probably all die of radiation poisoning."

"But you, of course, would not," Robin deadpanned.

"No, I wouldn't. Invulnerable, remember?" Amara said, and grinned. Robin sighed once again.

"Okay, okay, I think we get the picture now," he said. "But how the hell do you have every superpower imaginable?"

"Oh, it has to do with my very special heritage," Amara stated.

"Heh, heh. More like hair-itage," Beast Boy muttered, and dissolved into muffled snickering. Robin glared at him, but Amara seemed not to notice, being fully absorbed in what she was saying. She _was_ talking about herself, after all.

"Yes, I'm half angel!" she exclaimed.

"Um…okay, then. That's not too difficult to believe, I suppose," Robin admitted. "I mean, Raven is half demon, so…"

"Oh, I'm half demon, too," Amara added. "I'm also a third vampire, half elf, half alien, three-quarters witch, a third gorgon, one quarter golden retriever, half dragon, a third fairy, half goddess, and half star."

"Half star? Oh, shit! She's an emo kid! Run for your lives!" Beast Boy shouted, and tried to escape, but Cyborg picked him up by the scruff of the neck. He still spent several seconds kicking his feet wildly as if he was running, though.

"Did you say you were one _third_ vampire?" Cyborg asked. Amara nodded.

"Well, um, I'm really more of a tech-guy, so I could be wrong about this," Cyborg continued, "but from what I studied in high school biology class, the way sexual reproduction works is that each parent contributes _half_ of the kid's genetic material. So, things would tend to go in factors of two, like a half, a quarter, an eighth, and so on. That is to say, _not_ in thirds."

"Oh, I was genetically engineered," Amara explained. "I have no parents! See how much it adds to my angst!"

"Uh huh," Cyborg said, obviously unconvinced. "So you were genetically engineered, a highly scientific process, out of components that include mostly mythical creatures that science does not recognize as existing?"

"Yeah, that's right," Amara affirmed. "Why? Is that a problem?"

"Wait, did you say you were part _golden retriever_, too?" Raven asked.

"Uh…yeah. A quarter," Amara said, blushing slightly. "I'm not really sure how that got in there." Raven grinned nastily.

"Fetch!" she shouted, and threw a stick as hard as she could. At least, it looked like a stick—a red stick, with some kind of lit fuse stuck in one end. Amara didn't move, though.

"Aren't you overcome by the need to go fetch that?" Raven asked.

"Um…no," Amara replied. "Actually, any weaknesses that any parts of my heritage might bring along with them are conveniently cancelled out by the other parts of my heritage, so I have all their strengths but none of their weaknesses. That includes compulsively fetching things."

"Curses," Raven muttered, clenching her fists in anger, as an explosion sounded in the distance, accompanied by a pained scream. Several moments later, a smoking car tire bounced past the Titans. They ignored it. That kind of thing happened all the time when Raven was around.

Beast Boy, meanwhile, had stopped running in mid-air, still held several feet off the ground by Cyborg, and had been making feverish calculations in his head.

"Wait a minute!" he shouted. "If you really are all those things, you would have to be five and a half people!"

"It took you _that_ long to figure that out?" Cyborg asked, raising his human eyebrow.

"Hey! Shut up!" Beast Boy cried. "You guys were talking, and it distracted me!"

"_Sure_," Raven said, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, Beast Boy, you are quite correct!" Amara exclaimed. "I am indeed five and a half people!"

"Oh, okay then," Beast Boy said, mollified, but then he thought about it for a moment. "Wait, what?"

"I have multiple personalities," Amara said.

"Multiple personalities?" Robin asked. Exasperation and incredulity had long since stopped vying for the top spot in his mind, and had instead melded into a single, uniquely irritated emotion.

"Oh, yes! Sometimes, when I'm in danger, my bad personality comes out to kick some ass and save me!" Amara cried. "But while she seems dark and even evil, she's really a good person at heart! And then there's my genius personality…"

"Who I guess we're not talking to right now," Raven muttered.

"…but she only comes out when I'm faced with a really difficult problem!" Amara continued, having not even heard Raven's snide comment. She was talking about herself again, after all, and nothing could be more important than that.

"Okay, okay, we get the idea," Robin said, massaging the bridge of his nose to try to halt the onset of what would probably be the mother of all headaches. Amara pouted.

"But I still have to tell you about three and a half of my personalities!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, that's quite alright," Robin told her. "Like I said, we get the idea."

"So can I join the Titans now and stay with them forever and ever, eventually becoming the team's leader and single-handedly saving the universe from evil?" Amara asked, her eyes shining.

"Um, well, like I said, we can put you on the list of honorary members for now and call on you every once in a while, but that's about it until we get to know you better," Robin replied.

"What? But I answered all your questions about me!" Amara cried.

"That's really not the issue here," Robin explained. "Like I mentioned earlier, we can ask you all the questions we want, but there's no real way for us to know for certain that you're telling us the truth. No amount of questions and answers can create trust—it's really more of an experience thing."

"But…but…this doesn't make sense! I'm _perfect!_ And my _hair_, I…" Amara stuttered, but then paused, and a look of realization spread across her face. "Of course! I see the problem now! Experience!"

"Yes, good," Robin said, relieved that Amara was finally beginning to understand. "We have to have some more experience with you before we can decide if you should be…"

"Experience!" Amara repeated, interrupting Robin. "It's so obvious! You've _seen_ my hair, but you haven't really _experienced_ it yet!"

"Um…no, no, that's not _quite_ what I mean…" Robin stammered, but Amara was on a tear now.

"Yes! Yes! You must _experience_ my hair!" she cried. "Only then can you fully appreciate my perfection, and therefore see that you _must_ make me a member of the Titans!"

"I don't really see how…" Robin tried again, but once again Amara interrupted him.

"Now then, touch my hair!" she exclaimed.

"What?" Robin asked, backing away a little. The cognitive dissonance created by the sudden absurd demand had thrown him off balance.

"Go on, touch my hair!" Amara urged him. "I know you want to!"

"Um…no, actually I don't," Robin said.

"Oh, don't be so shy. Touch it."

"No."

"Come on, it feels nice. You'll like it."

"I don't want to touch your hair."

"Just touch it!"

"No!"

"Touch it!"

"No!"

"_Touch my hair!_"

"_Shut up about your goddamn hair!_" Robin shouted, finally reaching his breaking point. "_It isn't important!_" Amara recoiled in horror.

"Not important? _Not important?_" she wailed. "How can you say that? Hair is _totally_ important! It's the most important thing _ever!_"

"Not for determining whether or not we should let you join the team, it isn't," Robin snapped. Amara looked wounded.

"But you _must_ see the importance of having good hair!" she exclaimed. "You seem to have taken great care to gel yours up like that!"

"What, really?" Robin asked. "No, no I kind of just gel it up, wash it, and then gel it back up again. It's a never-ending cycle, really—I don't think too much about it."

"Oh, surely _one_ of you can see the importance of hair!" Amara cried, and turned to Starfire. "Starfire, with your long hair, at least _you_, out of all the Titans, must see that hair is important!"

"Ummm…well, while I agree that taking care of the hair is indeed of great importance, I do not see what it has to do with one's candidacy for joining a team of superheroes," Starfire responded. Amara gasped, disappointed, and turned to Raven.

"Raven, although your hair is short and perhaps not cut as stylishly as it might be, surely you agree that good hair is important!" Amara said, hope in her voice.

"No, actually I totally disagree with you," Raven replied. "And even if I _did_ agree with you, I wouldn't say so, because I hate you." Amara frowned at this display of antisocial behaviour (although, really, what did she expect?), and turned to Beast Boy.

"Beast Boy, although it is much shorter than Robin's, you also seem to have taken great pains to spike up your hair," Amara observed. "Do you see that hair is important, indeed, the most important thing in the world?"

"Um, well, I might not be the best person to ask here," Beast Boy said with a nervous smile. "See, ever since Starfire got back from the future and told me I would go bald I've kind of been treasuring every remaining moment I have with my hair."

"Oh, that would explain all the sick little mutterings I've been hearing from your room late at night," Raven sniped.

"Sick? Oh, come on!" Beast Boy cried indignantly. "It's not sick to want to keep your hair!"

"'Oh baby, you're so green and fuzzy, I never want you to leave'?" Raven recited from memory. "Look me in the eye and tell me that's not sick, Beast Boy."

"Um…that might not actually have been about my hair…" Beast Boy mumbled, rubbing the back of his head nervously. "I've kind of been having these _dreams_ lately, and…"

"Grossness! Moving on!" screeched Amara, and she turned at last to Cyborg. "Cyborg, you must understand that hair is…oh, never mind."

"What?" Cyborg asked angrily. "Don't you want to know what I think about hair?"

"Uhhhh…"

"Oh, so you think that just because I don't have any I can't have an opinion?" Cyborg shouted accusingly. Amara looked down and shuffled her feet a little.

"Um, well…"

"Oh, I _have_ an opinion," Cyborg snarled, crossing his arms and turning his back to Amara. "I'm just not going to tell you now, because I think you're a jerk."

"You don't really have an opinion, do you?" Raven asked. Cyborg sagged a little.

"No, no I don't," he said quietly.

"So none of you think that hair is the deciding factor in all matters of any significant importance?" Amara asked. The Titans all nodded.

"This just doesn't make sense! How can this be?" Amara cried. Robin sighed once more. He had been doing that a lot lately.

"Guys, playing team spokesperson is starting to wear on me, here," he said to the other Titans. "Could one of you maybe…?"

"Oh, I'm _all over_ this one," Raven proclaimed, stepping forward. She looked Amara right in the eye and held her gaze for several seconds before finally speaking again.

"You're crazy. Screw off," Raven stated, then spun on her heel and marched away. The other Titans shrugged and followed her, leaving Amaranillia Starchild-Lightbringer standing alone behind them. She pouted for a few moments, but then seemed to come to a decision. She brightened, and struck a heroic pose.

"Well, then, I guess I'll just have to go join the X-men! To Bayville!" Amara shouted, and then disappeared in a puff of plot device.

_-FIN-_

**Author's Note:** This is my new humour…thing. It will be running at the same time as my new serious piece (Sulphur and Brimstone) to help keep me sane, because all angst and no funny make Sleeping Bag something something. Anyway, since it's mostly to help me vent my need for the humour that will most likely be absent from S&B, I'll probably only be updating occasionally, with no real regularity. Oh, well. This won't matter too much, though, since I don't plan for Spoofy! to really be a full story as such, but rather a series of separate pieces, much like my old (and now banned) series Silly Villainy, but not in script format so I don't make FanFiction mad at me.

My sense of humour tends to revolve around satire—combine that with the rather odd little patterns I've seen around in various other fan fictions (including, to some extent, my own), and you get this stuff. This first instalment is obviously aimed at Mary Sues. Needless to say, I dislike them, so much so that I turned the first draft of this author's note into an extended rant against them (qualified, of course, by my belief in what I suppose might be called the Shades of Grey principle, but that's really beside the point). Basically, I find the extreme Mary Sues to be incredibly absurd. Unfortunately, the sheer amount of times such extreme Mary Sues appear in fan fictions boggles my mind. While I have felt the urge to insert a pretty little omnipotent version of myself into stories at times as well, I firmly believe that that would make for a very poor story ("And now, for the match of the century! Slade versus someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a living god! Whoops, it's over already!"). Also, what the hell is up with this obsession with hair? I swear, every single Mary Sue I've seen has gone along with some significant focus on her hair (at least for the female ones). It's really quite bizarre.

Just to cover my ass here, I am in no way suggesting that those authors who use Mary Sues a lot should stop. If that's the stuff you want to write, that's fine. Just don't expect me to read it. Also to cover my ass, my "inevitably skinnier" crack at the beginning has more to do with the unrealistic images of beauty that the media forces upon teenaged girls than anything else, so don't bitch at me about that. I'm not calling anyone fat.

Finally, because I think it would be weird to end this author's note by saying that I'm not calling anyone fat, I will instead end it this way: apricots!


	2. On Pairings

(Disclaimer: No, I don't own the Titans. Sigh.)

_-Chapter Two: On Pairings-_

Strangely enough, Beast Boy was often the first of the Titans to wake up in the morning. This was partially because his teenaged tendency towards sleeping in had reached something of a compromise with some of his more animalistic instincts, which told him that he might get eaten if he spent too much time asleep, and with Cyborg the Carnivore around this was a distinct possibility. The other factor in Beast Boy's habit of rising early, now that we've mentioned Cyborg, was being able to beat him to the cooking utensils in the morning so that they would be pristine and meat-free for whatever glorious monuments of vegetarian cuisine Beast Boy might feel like cooking up for himself. Speaking of which…

"Aahhh, instant ramen, the breakfast of champions!" Beast Boy sighed wistfully as he dumped an oddly appetizing square of uncooked noodly goodness out of its brightly coloured plastic wrapper and into a small pot of boiling water. He crumpled the wrapper in one hand and tossed it over his shoulder and onto the floor, where it immediately uncrumpled. He would pick it up later, if he remembered, and even if he didn't he would be reminded by Robin screaming at him at ten-thirty after slipping on the treacherous little plastic rectangle like he did _every_ morning. As he stirred lazily, waiting for the noodles to begin to soften and break up, his sensitive pointed ears picked up what sounded like muffled whispers coming from the wall of windows behind the TV, saying something about 'carbs' and 'taking the Atkins angle'. Beast Boy turned to see what the cause of the sound was, and screamed when he saw a man and woman sitting on the other side of the glass on what looked like a window washing platform—the man had a camera, and the woman was scribbling furiously in a small notebook. Realizing that they were caught, they screamed back.

"Aaaaaaahhhh!" screamed Beast Boy.

"Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" screamed the woman.

"_Aaaaaaaahhhhh!_" screamed Beast Boy.

"_Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!_" screamed the man.

"Um…hey, I think your noodles are done," the woman pointed out, gesturing towards the bubbling pot with her pen.

"Oh, thanks," Beast Boy said, and quickly turned off the stove and dumped his soup into a waiting bowl. He then turned back to the man and woman at the window.

"So…um…where were we?" he asked, scratching the back of his head.

"I think we were still screaming at each other in shock," the man replied.

"Oh, right!" Beast Boy exclaimed. "Well, then…_Aaaaaaaauuuugghhhhh!_"

"_What the HELL is going on in here?_" Robin hollered from the doorway, his face red with fury. Beast Boy dove under the kitchen table in a spectacularly unsuccessful attempt to hide, pausing only to reach out and snatch the wrapper from his ramen off of the floor in a flash of misplaced clarity.

"They started it!" Beast Boy shouted, pointing at the man and woman from under the table. Robin glared at the two voyeurs, first in shock, then in anger. They, for their part, grinned nervously. The man tried to hide his camera behind his back. Robin gritted his teeth.

"_Get them in here_," he growled, then spun on his heel and marched out of the room. Beast Boy looked around to see if there was anyone else around who might be able to follow this order, but it was futile—after all, nobody but him and Robin was even up yet. He sighed, resigning himself to the fact that he would not be able to enjoy the noodly breakfast that he had spent a full three minutes lovingly preparing, and set off towards the elevator to get outside and retrieve the two spies.

**OOO**

"So let me get this straight: you two are tabloid reporters?" Robin asked. The man and woman, now sitting quietly inside the tower, both nodded.

"And you're doing a story on us?" Robin continued. The two reporters nodded again. "Why the hell would you do _that_?"

"It's what the people want to see!" the woman, who was named Carla, cried. "Five teens with incredible powers, all living under the same roof—it's gold!"

"It is?" Cyborg asked, a bemused expression on his face. He and the other Titans had been woken by Beast Boy's screaming as well, although only Robin had actually done anything about it, and they were now gathered around the two reporters.

"Oh, yes!" Carla gushed. "I can't even imagine all the exciting, dramatic events that must make up your daily lives!"

"Um…usually we just kind of, uh, fight crime and stuff," Robin said lamely. "Sometimes we do the dishes, but that really isn't…"

"Oh, but the relationships! The sexual tensions on the team must be absolutely _phenomenal_!" Carla exclaimed. "Why, I was only watching you for a few minutes, and I've already got _loads_ of juicy stuff for my article!"

"Uhhhh…all you saw was me making ramen," Beast Boy said, scratching his head in confusion. "That isn't exactly what I'd call _juicy_. _Brothy_, maybe, but…"

"Oh, a professional writer like me knows how to work with even the _smallest_ things," Carla boasted proudly.

"In other words, she makes shit up as she goes," said the man, who was named Greg.

"Oh, like _you're_ any better," Carla huffed, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Hey, pictures don't lie!" Greg cried.

"Maybe so, but _photoshop_ does," Carla shot back with a smirk. Greg opened his mouth to make a snide reply, but he was interrupted by Robin.

"Look, I hate to break this up, but are there any more reporters like you hanging around?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, sure," Carla replied casually. "Like I said, five teenagers living together is just _gold_ for the tabloids, so there are reporters all over this tower."

"Oh, _really?_" Cyborg said. "Well, I'll have you know that we have the best security system this side of Fort Knox. I designed it myself. So I think that if there were any more reporters in the tower _I'd_ know about it."

"Well, in that case, you'd know about Harry, then," Greg said, pointing at the ceiling. The Titans all looked up, and sure enough, a man dressed like he was in a 'Mission: Impossible' movie was hanging from the ceiling by giant rubber suction cups attached to his hands and feet.

"Um…hi," Harry said.

"Get down from there!" Robin shouted. Harry glanced around at the five teenaged superheroes arrayed beneath him, taking particular note of their facial expressions, all of which displayed varying degrees of annoyance.

"Um…no," Harry said.

"Raven, if you would be so kind…?" Robin asked, an evil smile forming on his face.

"Oh, I most certainly would," Raven replied, and her eyes glowed black for a moment. There was a loud popping sound, a small scream, and then Harry plummeted to the ground, landing with a thump.

"Owwie," he moaned. Robin ignored him, and spun on his heel to face Carla and Greg, who both gulped nervously.

"Now, then—how many other reporters are in here?" Robin demanded, his evil smile growing even wider.

**OOO**

_Twenty minutes later…_

All told, there were nearly two dozen reporters. They had all been rooted out of their various hiding spots, many of which defied at least one law of physics, and were now herded together into one big swarm. Carla and Greg seemed to be acting as the unofficial spokespeople for the group, apparently against their will.

"Right, so that's all of you?" Robin asked, the edge in his voice apparent for anyone with ears to hear it. The reporters all nodded furiously as a single unit.

"You're not lying, are you?" Robin continued, in a tone that suggested that anyone who was could expect to endure an extended period of very severe pain in the near future if he ever found out about it, with the tagline that he most certainly _would _find out. The reporters all shook their heads no, again as a single unit.

"Well, good. Now get out of our tower," Robin ordered, but instead of immediately and fearfully obeying as he had expected them to, the reporters just collectively let out a plaintive wail and stayed firmly in place.

"We can't do that!" Carla cried. "We'll lose our jobs!"

"Five irritated superheroes have caught you sneaking around in their home, and you're worried about _losing your jobs?_" Raven asked incredulously.

"Well, it's not like we can make a living doing anything _else_," Greg explained. "If we lose our tabloid jobs, it'll be back to…_flipping burgers_." The swarm of reporters shuddered involuntarily.

"Well, we can't just have you running around all over the place," Cyborg said. "I'm going to be making some _serious_ upgrades to our security system."

"So?" asked Carla.

"So they're going to involve _lasers_—_lots_ of lasers," Cyborg continued, but Carla and the other reporters still only gave him a look of utter incomprehension. He sighed. "Lasers that will _burn holes in you_ if you're sneaking around the tower."

"_Oooohhhh, riiiiiigghhhhht_," the reporters all said together as understanding dawned on them.

"But surely we could not just send all these people to their fate of flipping of the burgers," Starfire chimed in. "We are _heroes_—should we not show compassion?"

"You _do_ realize that they'd probably be trying to get pictures of you in the _nude_, don't you?" Raven asked, arching her eyebrows in sardonic disbelief. Starfire stiffened.

"_Kill 'em all!_" she growled, clenching her fists, her eyes lighting up with barely contained green energy. The reporters tried to make themselves look as small as possible.

"Hmmm…Starfire's probably right," Robin said. The reporters gasped in shock and betrayal.

"The _first_ time," Robin added hurriedly—he knew a lawsuit when he saw it. "The compassion thing, _not_ the killing thing." The reporters all breathed sighs of relief and Robin continued outlining his plan.

"We can't have you sneaking around by yourselves, obviously—not just for our privacy, but because some of the things we have in the evidence room could be very dangerous if any of you stumbled across them," he explained. "However, just throwing you out and causing you to lose your jobs would be a bit cruel, so how about this: you can stay in the tower and collect all the information you want, but only if you all keep together and are escorted by a member of the Titans at all times."

"So we'd be able to see all the interactions between team members?" Carla asked. "And we could write it all down?"

"What about pictures? Are they okay?" Greg added.

"Yes, that's fine, but try to keep the flashes under control," Robin replied. "Oh, and we will of course maintain the right to review all your material and keep anything that might result in a breach in security from being published—specs on our defence systems, the exact natures of our powers, and other stuff like that."

"Sure. All we really care about are the relationships," Carla said. "Who's dating whom, and that sort of thing."

There was an awkward pause as each of the Titans took time to consider this sentence, hoping it didn't mean what they thought it meant.

"Wait, you don't think we're _dating each other_, do you?" Robin asked, half joking.

"Um…yeah," Carla responded. Behind her, the other reporters all nodded. "I mean, we don't all agree on the couples, but we're all pretty sure you're dating each other in _some_ way."

"What? What the hell do you mean by _that_?" Robin demanded angrily.

"Well, it's pretty obvious that you and Starfire have a little thing going on, isn't it?" Carla said. Robin gaped at her, but the worst was yet to come—her statement had set off what seemed remarkably like a minor civil war amongst the reporters.

"No way!" one cried. "Robin is _totally_ going out with Raven! They're both all dark and stuff—it's perfect!"

"Oh, _come on_," groaned another. "Everyone knows Raven's a _lesbian_."

"Pardon?" Raven asked, but they ignored her.

"You're just saying that because you're a horny guy who thinks it would be hot!" accused one of the other reporters.

"Actually, I think she's a lesbian too, and I'm not a horny guy," interjected a young female reporter.

"Well, sure, but you _are_ a lesbian—of _course_ you'd like to have the option of making out with a superhero," said another reporter.

"Do _I_ get a say in this?" Raven asked. Once again, she was ignored.

"I agree that Raven's a lesbian, but who is she going out with? I say Starfire," proposed yet another anonymous reporter.

"No! Jinx! They'd make such a cute couple!"

"Terra!"

"What? Are you _insane_?"

"Yeah, Terra and Beast Boy are _totally_ an item."

"No, Beast Boy could be going out with Starfire."

"He could be, sure, but he _isn't_."

"Aren't he and Raven dating?"

"Absolutely not! They're fundamentally incompatible!"

"How do you figure?"

"Ummm…what about me?" asked Cyborg. "Who do you think _I'm_ dating?"

"Bumblebee!"

"Raven!"

"Jinx!"

"Starfire!"

"Your Gamestation!"

"Okay, forget I asked," Cyborg grumbled.

"Atlas!"

"Hey! That's not cool!" Cyborg shouted, but despite the volume of his voice he, too, was ignored just as easily as Raven was.

"Yeah, right, that would be like saying Robin was going out with _Slade_."

"Isn't he?"

"_That's ENOUGH!_" Robin screamed, finally silencing the reporters. "_If you're going to be in this tower, then at least SHUT UP, or it's back to flipping BURGERS for ALL OF YOU!_"

"So, um…you're not going to confirm that any of you are dating each other?" Carla quavered hesitantly. She shrank back as Robin turned to glare at her.

"You're here to watch, right?" he asked rhetorically in a deadly whisper. "Just watch. If any of us actually _are_ dating, you'll be able to see that, won't you?"

"Right," Carla squeaked, and grinned nervously.

**OOO**

Dinner that night was rather trying for the Titans, to say the least. They had ordered Chinese food, hoping it might look better than just having pizza again like they did pretty much every other night, but the flock of reporters still murmured disapprovingly. All that any of the Titans could make out was something about MSG before Robin accidentally snapped his chopsticks in his clenched fist—after that, the reporters were strangely silent. From the way they were staring so intently at the Titans as they ate, though, it seemed like it was only a matter of time before the reporters said something again. It was.

"Starfire, could you pass the fried rice, please?" Robin asked casually, trying to ignore the two dozen pairs of eyes watching his every move.

"Of course," Starfire responded, and cautiously nudged the greasy takeout box towards him.

"Awwww!" cooed one of the reporters. "Fluff moment!"

"What?" cried Robin. "All I asked was for her to pass the rice!"

"And she _did_! Awwwww!"

Robin glared at the offending reporter for a moment before getting back to his meal, grumbling something about the fifth estate. Starfire chewed her lip nervously for a moment, but then brightened.

"So! How were all of my friends' days today?" she asked cheerfully, forcing a smile. The other Titans all mumbled unintelligibly as they picked at their meal with little to no enthusiasm.

"Oh, I just had to deal with about two dozen more _idiots_ than usual," Raven said darkly, punctuating her sentence by shishkabobbing a hapless chicken ball with the end of one of her chopsticks. She had sharpened them with her powers after failing miserably to use them in the traditional manner. Beast Boy had tried to show her how, but she had put a quick stop to his impromptu lesson as soon as she had seen the reporters' prepping their notepads in anticipation.

"C'mon, Rae, just pretend they're not there or something," Cyborg suggested with a wan smile.

"Awwww! Fluff moment!"

"See? I _knew_ Cyborg and Raven were a couple!"

"That's _it_!" Raven spat, slamming her fists down on the table in an uncharacteristic display of frustration. "I have had it up to _here_ with you and your stupid, _insipid_ little 'fluff moments'! Passing the rice? Making a friendly suggestion? Come _on_! Do you _really_ think that constitutes any kind of proof that any of us are dating each other? You…you…_mental defectives!_"

"Well, maybe not that stuff, but there are plenty of other things that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you guys are in love with each other," Carla said.

"_Name one_," Raven challenged her in a low, venomous tone.

"Okay, well, what about all those times Robin's saved Starfire?" Carla offered, but Raven just laughed humourlessly.

"They're just really good friends," she scoffed. "Besides, they're _teammates_—they're _supposed_ to help each other out, just like _all_ the Titans are."

"How about all the times Robin's saved _you_?" asked one of the other reporters. "I mean, that stuff when you were fighting Trigon and he basically went into Hell to save you—that got pretty intense."

"What? How do you know about that? Everyone else in the world was turned into stone by Trigon's magic!" Raven protested, but once again the reporters were ignoring her.

"No, no, no, Robin _can't_ be in love with Raven, he's in love with Starfire," stated another reporter. "I mean, he's _obviously_ Dick Grayson, as the little flashes of his memories proved in 'Haunted', and in the comic books he and Starfire almost got _married_ once, so…"

"Wait, _comic books_? 'Haunted'?" Robin interrupted incredulously. "And how the hell do you know my real name?"

"Your name is _Dick_?" Beast Boy snorted, and dissolved into muffled laughter.

"_Married_?" Starfire exclaimed, her eyes shining, which is a sure sign of an overdose of romanticism.

"I don't _care_ what happened in the comics!" cried one of the reporters. "This is the cartoon! They've already made major changes to Slade's character, so why not rework the Titans' relationships too?"

"What cartoon?" Robin asked, beginning to feel more and more like things were spinning out of his control with every passing second.

"Everyone just shut up, already!" Raven yelled, managing to regain the reporters' attention. "None, let me repeat, _none_ of that crap is actually _proof_ that we're dating!"

"Maybe not, but _this_ is!" Greg shouted, brandishing what looked like a Polaroid photograph. "Here is _indisputable_ proof that Raven loves Beast Boy!"

"_What?_" Raven shrieked. "I do _not_ love _Beast Boy!_"

"Oh, come on!" Greg said, giving her what he probably though was a sly wink. "This is a picture of you two on a date—take a look for yourself!"

He handed the picture to Raven. She stared at it for a moment before glaring up at him.

"This is a picture of me hitting Beast Boy over the head with a golf club," Raven deadpanned.

"Hey, I remember that!" Beast Boy cried. "That was last week! It really hurt, too."

"Please, everyone can tell it's just a love tap," Greg declared.

"I fractured his skull!" Raven shouted.

"She did," Beast Boy confirmed. "It's still broken."

"Oh, pshaw. That's nothing," Greg retorted, waving his hand dismissively.

"Here! Look!" Raven cried, waving the picture in front of Greg's face. "Look at that! You can see his brain! That's a bit of his brain! _I knocked a bit of his brain out!_"

"You know, I never did find that piece of my brain," Beast Boy said, a thoughtful expression on his face.

_**FLASHBACK**_

As Beast Boy hit the ground, sent into deep unconsciousness by way of a three-wood wielded by a vengeful Goth, a small lump of grey matter landed several dozen feet away, bouncing a bit before finally coming to rest.

"Aha! I am finally free!" the piece of brain said. "Now, to take over the world!"

Unfortunately for the small lump of brain, before it could slither away to enact its plans for world domination it was eaten by a passing stray dog, which, after thoroughly digesting its snack, found itself inexplicably able to do arithmetic at a grade three level.

_**END FLASHBACK**_

"See? _See?_" Raven yelled, waving her arms frantically. "It wasn't a love tap! Love taps don't knock people's brains out!"

Raven's protests came far too late, however, as the reporters had descended into utter chaos. They all shouted at each other, each of them championing one couple or another, all reasonable discussion lost amidst the screams of outrage that were the inevitable result of having two dozen people who all _knew_ they were right together in the same room. All the Titans could do was stare in horror as the intimate details of their lives were unearthed one by one and pressed into the service of justifying two dozen separate points of view. Robin sighed.

"Hey, Cyborg, is the new security system in place yet? The one with the lasers?" he asked wearily.

"Yeah. Why?" Cyborg replied, turning a quizzical look on his leader. Robin didn't answer immediately as his exhaustion slowly transformed into manic glee. He smiled evilly.

"Turn it on," Robin ordered, then addressed the rest of the team. "Hey, guys, we've all had a rough day—how about we go _out_ to eat?"

"But we've got Chinese food right here, and wouldn't that leave all these guys alone with the security…" Beast Boy began, but then understanding bloomed across his face. "_Oohhhh_…_I_ get it."

"Yup, off we go," Robin said, louder than would have been required if he was just talking to his friends as the other Titans filed quietly out of the room. "We're going _out_…and turning on the _security system_…which we all know is _very dangerous_…I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, but I can't be held accountable if _some people_ decide to stay here…"

Robin paused for a moment, just to be fair, and then ducked through the door. He was off and running as soon as it closed.

"_Oooo!_" cried one of the reporters. "Look at all the funny little lights!"

**OOO**

"How _weird_ was that, huh?" Cyborg exclaimed, then gulped down the last of his Coke. The Titans were just finishing their dinner at their usual pizza parlour. "I mean, thinking we were all _dating_ each other? Is that _teamcest _or what?"

"Yeah, and wasn't that the _first_ thing we agreed upon as a team?" Robin asked rhetorically. "I mean, we _all_ know how bad dating in the workplace can be, and when the business you're in is fighting crime…well, it's just best not to go there."

"No kidding. Although I _did_ really like Terra," Beast Boy admitted.

"But that's exactly my point," Robin retorted. "You tried to start up a relationship with Terra, and look at what it got you—look at the situation that came around as a result of that. It's not really very pleasant to think that we aren't free to date whoever we want, but let's face it: all it gives us is a blind spot, a weakness."

"Yes, on my planet such 'dating' between members of the same warrior cadre is considered rhak'r ganeth, which could be equated with the human term 'taboo'," Starfire added. "Although, I suppose a more accurate translation would be 'that which gets us all horribly killed'."

"You think dating a _teammate_ is bad?" Raven interjected. "They had me paired with _Jinx_—a _villain_. If that isn't a conflict of interest, then I don't know what is."

"Hey, you weren't the only one, remember? Some of them thought _I_ was dating Jinx, too," Cyborg recalled.

"Well, yeah, but if _I_ was dating Jinx, it would mean that I was a _lesbian_, or at least bisexual," Raven pointed out. "That kind of adds on to things, doesn't it? I'm not saying it's morally wrong or anything—it's just that I'm _not_ a lesbian _or _bisexual."

"Hey, I think I've got the trump card here," Robin said with a wry smile. "One of them thought I was dating _Slade_."

"That's got _me_ beat," Raven admitted.

"I'm out," Cyborg said.

"Myself as well," Starfire chimed in.

"Man, _nobody_ can compete with _that_," Beast Boy stated. "That's one hell of a sugar daddy, eh?" The Titans all chuckled to themselves and passed a quiet moment, each deep in their own thoughts.

"So Cyborg," Robin said, breaking the silence, "how long do you think it will take to get the smell of scorched human flesh out of the tower?"

"With the new upgrades I made to the ventilation system last week? Maybe half an hour at most," Cyborg replied. Robin nodded approvingly.

"Sweet," he said, and took a sip from his root beer.

_-FIN-_

**Author's Note:** Did you notice the Coke plug? Yay for product placement! Send money! Oh, dear God, send money!

I've said it before, I'll say it again: I can't stand 'pairings'. It sounds like breeding plants or something. The worst is when people get all up in arms about it—it's fine to think that one couple is more likely or more interesting than others, but when people start forcing their ideas on everyone around them, that's generally when I start tuning out. Or maybe just hitting things. It depends. I also find it quite strange to see the lengths that people will go to in order to justify their choice of character couple—"Oh, Robin totally swooped down to save Raven in 'Fear Itself', he must be in love with her," or "Oh, Raven hugged Beast Boy at the end of 'Spellbound', she obviously has the hots for him." Seriously, people, it's a kids' cartoon. They aren't actually going to put any serious sexual tension in there. Sure, Robin and Starfire seem to have something going on; sure, Beast Boy and Raven would make a cute couple; sure, Cyborg and Bumblebee made a good team; sure to all the possibilities out there. And if you want to write fan fiction based on one or more of those couples, go for it. But if you try to cram your opinions down my throat, sorry, buddy. Find yourself another sucker.

I really am a snide bastard, aren't I?

**To My Reviewers:**

Grey Rizz: Glad you think so. I try so hard!

Churba: I've added another chapter! Disservice to the literary community averted! Whoopah!

TDG3RD: Thanks!

Blackbird: I actually have no idea how someone could be half a person, but I think it would probably involve a threshing machine or some other piece of heavy farm equipment ("Hey, Maw! Come quick, Jimbo's lost the _other_ leg!"). I considered having Raven really lay into her, but in the end I settled for letting Amara make _herself_ look stupid. It's easier that way.


	3. Sooo Depressing

(Disclaimer: I don't own the Titans, but I'm using them anyway. I'm kind of a jerk like that.)

_-Chapter Three: Sooo Depressing…-_

"Ladies and gentlemen! It's time for the Kinda Late Show!" the announcer called over the loudspeaker, and the crowd began to clap and cheer uproariously. When they had calmed down a bit, the announcer continued. "Now, give it up for the man with the plan, the host with the most—_Chet Bupkiss!_"

The crowd went into renewed hysterics as Chet took the stage, jogging on from backstage and running on the spot for a moment, laughing like a buffoon the whole time like it was the most hilarious thing he had ever done. Knowing some talk show hosts, this was a distinct possibility. He stopped as the crowd settled down again and got right to business.

"Hey, hey, everybody! We've got a _great_ show for you tonight, folks, but it's a little different than usual," Chet exclaimed to a ripple of applause. "Now, usually we have a few guests who we call out one at a time, so by the end of the show we have a couch _full_ of celebrities, but tonight we're going to be doing things a bit differently. You see, our guests tonight kind of come as a group—no, no, it's not ABBA, thank God—and quite frankly, I'm very excited about this. How about you, Gary, are you excited?"

"I'm nearly crapping my pants over here I'm so excited, Chet," replied Gary, the show's music director, from behind his keyboard. "That little orange one is _hot_."

"Ha ha! She's also, like, _sixteen_, you perv! And legal issues aside, I don't think she'll be too into you if you actually _do_ crap your pants!" Chet retorted, to the inevitable amusement of the audience. "Anyway, I'd like you all to give a big Kinda Late Show welcome to…_the Teen Titans!_"

The crowd once again dissolved into hysterics as the Titans made their way out onto the set, and each Titan's reaction to the attention said a lot about their individual personalities: Cyborg had a big grin on his face, and waved to the crowd; Robin sported a small smile, but was otherwise calm and businesslike; Beast Boy ran up to the audience and started high-fiving everyone in the front row; Raven just walked over to the guest couch as quickly as possible and sat with her hood up, stoically tolerating the incessant noise of the crowd; and Starfire just stared wide-eyed at all the people watching her, totally overwhelmed, and Robin actually had to physically drag her over to the couch. Robin sat in the spot nearest to Chet's desk—the team had decided that he would be the spokesman, as usual. The crowd's cheering and applause continued for quite a while after the Titans had all sat down, and Chet actually had to calm them down before he could start the interview.

"Heh, heh, you guys are pretty popular, it seems!" he said with a chuckle, but Robin only shrugged nonchalantly.

"Hey, we're just doing our job," he said, then smiled at the crowd as they began cheering again.

"_I love you, Robin!_" someone screamed.

"And what a job it is, too!" Chet continued. "The five of you are superheroes, defenders of the entire city! You've saved it on countless occasions from pretty much any threat a city could face, barring lawyers."

"Yeah, that's true, but we're still just teenagers, really," Robin replied. "When we aren't fighting crime, we have to deal with issues that _every_ teenager has to face at some time or another."

"What kind of issues are we talking about, here? Parent stuff?" Chet asked.

"Well, not so much _that_, although I guess you could say that the Justice League kind of acts like our parents sometimes—I was thinking more along the lines of self-discovery, getting to know ourselves," Robin explained. "You know, like figuring out where our personal boundaries are, feeling out our limitations, coming to terms with who we are as people—that sort of thing."

"I would assume that friendships would come into that," Chet said, and Robin nodded.

"Yeah, absolutely," he agreed. "Learning to deal with other people, making friends, that's all part of it, too."

"So, most kids get that from going to high school, but you five are getting it from fighting crime, it seems," Chet pointed out.

"I guess so," Robin admitted. "The biggest difference, I think, is that in fighting crime our lives are constantly on the line, and while I trust in the team to pull through, the danger of getting seriously injured or killed is always there. That kind of danger kind of focuses things, makes everything a little more intense, or at least seem that way."

"Do any of you ever have trouble dealing with things?" Chet asked. "I mean, does it ever just become too much to handle?"

"Oh, yeah, definitely," Robin said. "I mean, suicide is absolutely _rampant_ on the team."

There was a brief pause as Chet processed this statement.

"Wait, are you saying that you guys have tried to kill yourselves?" he asked incredulously.

"No, no, that's _attempted_ suicide, I'm talking about just _suicide_," Robin clarified. "Most of the Titans actually _have_ killed themselves."

"Most of the Titans actually _have_ killed themselves?" Chet repeated incredulously.

"Yeah, it happens all the time," Robin said airily. "We go through a lot of Ravens that way."

"You _go through_ Ravens?"

"Yeah, it keeps the cloning vats pretty busy," Robin replied. "You have no idea how much it complicates things that she's half demon, too."

"Hang on just a minute here, this is a lot of information all at once—you guys have _cloning vats_?" Chet asked.

"Of course. We live in a giant tower—did you think it was all video game rooms or something?" Robin said, arching an eyebrow.

"Well, I _certainly_ didn't think it was _cloning vats_," Chet admitted. "So, are you saying that the original Titans are all dead and you guys are clones?"

"No, no, I'm still the original Robin, since my rigid, anal-retentive discipline and obsession with catching Slade would never allow me to commit suicide, and Cyborg is still the original Cyborg, although he's been rebuilt a few times," Robin said. "But Raven, Beast Boy and Starfire are all clones."

"Dude, you're not supposed to tell them that, dude!" Beast Boy cried.

"Raven was the first one, which makes sense since she was pretty dreary to begin with, but then Beast Boy hung himself in the bathroom because he was tired of always being the dumb one, and Starfire—well, she kills herself every once in a while if she thinks I'm not being romantic enough. I think it's a Tamaranean thing," Robin explained. "We keep about twenty backups of all three of them, just in case, and let me tell you, the turnover rate is just phenomenal, _especially_ with the Ravens. I'm actually thinking of bumping her up to _fifty_ backups."

"This is _pointless_! I want to go _home_!" Raven whined. "Let me go _home_ or I'll _kill_ myself again! Life is _stupid_ anyway! I'll do it! I _swear_! I'm _angsty_, pay attention to _me_!"

"What the hell?" Chet exclaimed, and Robin sighed resignedly.

"Sorry about that, it's one of the side-effects of repeated clonings," he said. "Their personalities start to degrade after a while, so now Raven's gone from being a self-possessed but rather introverted young woman to being a whiny, narcissistic little bitch who likes dark colours. Beast Boy hasn't been cloned quite as much, so he only says 'dude' more than usual…"

"Dude!"

"…and Starfire, well, she was kind of a simpleton even _before_ getting cloned," Robin finished. "Needless to say, things have only gotten worse for her."

"I'm from another planet!" Starfire cried with a big smile.

"She's using contractions now, though, so I guess it isn't _all_ bad," Robin admitted with a shrug.

"My daddy is pure evil and I hate him!"

"Dude!"

"Flowers are pretty!"

"Why won't anyone love me?"

"_Dude!_"

"I like horsies!"

"Black is my favourite colour!"

"_DUDE!_"

"Let's be friends!"

"I'm so alone!"

"_DUUUUUDE!_"

"I wuv you, Wobin!"

"Okay, this is just disturbing," Chet said, mercifully interrupting the tide of stupidity. "And you jackasses are _superheroes_? We're all going to die."

"Hey, Robin and I can still kick ass!" Cyborg protested indignantly. "We can protect the city, just the two of us!"

"We're all going to _die_," Chet repeated, putting his head in his hands.

"Hey, I was trained by Batman, I can…" Robin began, but Chet interrupted him.

"_GET OFF OF MY SHOW!_" he screamed, and the Titans quickly retreated from the set, although Robin had to run back to grab Starfire, who had gone back to staring blankly at the crowd. He carried her over his shoulder as he made his way through the mess back stage towards the T-Car, surrounded by the other Titans.

"I think that went well!" Starfire chimed in from where her head hung near the small of Robin's back.

"Nothing _ever_ goes well," Raven complained.

"Dude!" Beast Boy cried.

"Oh, just shut up," Robin muttered. "Batman is going to _kill_ me for this."

_-End Chapter Three-_

**Author's Note:** I'll try to keep this short to match this chapter. I'm not so sure about the quality of my writing in this chapter, but hey, I'm poking fun at two different things so that makes up for it, right? Anyway, one of the banes of my existence (yes, there's more than one) is when people take fairly well-developed characters like those that appear in Teen Titans and don't even seem to make an _attempt_ to give them any depth in their stories. I know that I probably don't do all that great a job lending the characters I write real depth, but at least I _try_ to do them justice—turning a complex character like Raven into a one-dimensional teenaged angst machine just isn't right, and neither is making Beast Boy a completely clueless idiot or Starfire a naïve lovestruck moron. I mean, if a _kids' cartoon_ can give them some depth, why the hell can't fan fiction authors? Why is Raven always so depressed? Why is jealousy the only emotion Starfire is capable of feeling in two thirds of the stories I've read? Why can't Beast Boy ever do anything right? Didn't he single-handedly defeat an entire alien invasion? I'll admit, it was in kind of a dumb way, but that still takes at least _some_ competence. God _dammit_!

The whole character suicide thing bugs me, too, although I know that there's a lot of serious non-fan fiction out there that deals with suicide (e.g. "Paul's Case", by some lady whose name I've forgotten). I suppose that's more of a personal thing, but those kinds of stories are so widespread in fan fiction now that I think they deserve some spoofing. I'd like to see a tally of the number of times Raven has killed herself in fan fiction—on this site alone, I'm sure it would be well into the triple digits by now. I mean, if it were done as a kind of "don't fall into the same trap as Raven did" cautionary tale that might be okay, but most of them seem to be her just saying "I'm a Goth, I'm depressed" and then popping some pills or something. Argh! I suppose I can see _some_ literary value in that kind of depressing story, but most of the time they just come off as overly angsty fan fiction authors having self-indulgent little "oh, wouldn't they miss me" suicide fantasies.

I should probably get off my soapbox now, before this turns into a three-page rant or something. So much for keeping it short.

**To My Reviewers:**

IwuvMyKenshyPoo: You know, I would try to do one of the impossibly bad grammar ones, but I don't think I could ever do the worst of them any justice. And my action scenes are pretty crappy as it is, so _that_ I don't need to work at. Aside from working to make them better, of course.

Overactive Mind: Ooh, pie! That's _much_ better than a cursed monkey hand!

TheSkeet: Thanks. Hopefully I'll be able to get back up to par with my writing for my next chapter—I have some ideas…

Mint Dragon: Um…thank you. Gee, I don't think anyone's ever thanked God for my existence before. Or my parents, either, for that matter.

Xyteron: Come now, one should _always_ judge one's betters! Keeps the bastards on their toes!

TwilightSoulTaker: As long as my stories make someone, somewhere, laugh so much they get odd looks from their friends and family, I have no need for monetary reward. ZOMG SEND MONIES! HOW I MINE FOR FISH?

i feel awfully random: I feel random as well, as my last review response may indicate. We have much in common, it seems.


	4. On Crossovers

(Disclaimer: I won't even bother trying to list them all, there are so damn many of them. I don't own _any_ of them.)

_-Chapter Four: On Crossovers-_

Robin strode into the main room of Titans Tower at around nine in the morning, unforgivably cheerful for someone who had stayed up until five obsessing over the latest villain to threaten Jump City. He made his way into the kitchen to get some breakfast, greeting his friends and teammates as he did.

"Good morning, Starfire."

"Pleasant day to you, friend Robin!"

"Morning, Cyborg."

"Hey, man! Help yourself to some eggs!"

"Morning, Beast Boy."

"Ugh…so sleepy…"

"Good morning, Raven."

"That's an oxymoron, and you _know_ it."

"Morning, random Japanese kid."

"Mmh."

Robin went to grab some toast, but then stopped and mentally replayed the last few seconds in his head.

"Wait a minute…random Japanese kid?" Robin asked nobody in particular, then rounded on the boy. "Alright, who the hell are you, and what are you doing in our kitchen?"

"You know, I was kind of wondering that myself, but apparently I have no initiative of my own," Cyborg said. The Japanese boy calmly swallowed his mouthful of scrambled eggs.

"I apologize. My name is Uchiha Sasuke, and to be honest I have no idea how I got here," he said. "The last thing I remember was doing my ninja training under Orochimaru so that I might become powerful enough to defeat my evil brother, and most likely murder all my friends along the way, knowing Orochimaru. Then poof! and here I was. Thank you for breakfast, by the way."

"So you're _sure_ you don't know how you got here?" Robin asked incredulously. "And did you say _ninja training_?"

**Yeah, he's all dedicated and stuff! Just like Robin! And his hair is kinda the same, too! They should be friends!**

"Um…did anyone else hear that?" Cyborg asked.

"Yeah…who said that?" Raven added.

"I think it was probably the author," said Rukia.

"Oh," Raven said, then frowned. "Wait, what?"

"Well, you see, we exist in a sort of fictional space bounded by the confines of this story," Rukia explained, complete with visual aids drawn in what looked like a school notebook. "This story is in the process of being created, or 'written', by the author, who, since he has total control over this story's content, can interject whenever he sees fit."

"Okay, fine, but that still doesn't explain two things," Raven said. "First, who the hell are you, and second, why the hell is this 'author' represented in your drawings as a cartoon panda?"

"My name is Kuchiki Rukia, I'm a Shinigami, and…uh…I just kind of like pandas…" Rukia replied, her voice trailing off a bit at the end in slight embarrassment.

**Rukia's smart! So is Raven!**

"There's that damn voice again!" Robin cried. "What the hell _is_ this? Is reality going haywire?"

"Yeah, I know," Beast Boy added. "What's with all these Japanese kids? And I don't even know what shinny-whatever _means_."

"You and me both, kiddo," said Morph. Beast Boy nodded for a moment in agreement, but then turned sharply to look at the albino shapeshifter and screamed in surprise, turning into a turtle and hiding in his shell. Morph screamed back, and turned into an umbrella.

**Hee hee hee! Shapeshifters are cool!**

"This is just too weird," Cyborg muttered.

"I concur. I find these mysteriously appearing people most confusing," Starfire said, her brow furrowed with worry.

"I get confused a lot, too," Inoue said, suddenly popping into existence beside Starfire. "Want to share some of my peanut butter, tofu, and wasabi sandwich?"

"_Another_ Japanese girl?" Robin shouted.

"Dude, she can't be Japanese!" Beast Boy exclaimed. "She's got red hair, and big boo…"

Rukia tactfully interrupted Beast Boy's ranting about comparative anatomy with a sharp blow on the head with her sword scabbard, then turned to Inoue.

"Inoue-san! What are you doing here?" she said. Inoue put her forefinger to her lips in an overly dramatic thinking pose.

"I'm not sure. Last I remember, I was coming to rescue you with Kurosaki-kun, Ishida-kun, Sado-kun, Yoruichi-san, and Ganju-san, and then we met up with Yachiru-chan and some other people, but then I was here, and I don't remember how I got here," Inoue replied, impossibly, all in a single breath, and nearly had to sit down she was so light-headed.

"Um…yeah, same here, except I was just about to be executed," Rukia said, then looked down at her clothes. "I don't know how I got back in uniform, either."

**Wee! It's a mystery! Inoue and Starfire should cook something together! And since Rukia and Inoue are already here, Ishida might as well join in, too!**

There was a small popping sound, and yet another Japanese boy, wearing glasses this time, came into existence. He looked confused for a moment, then spotted Inoue and Rukia.

"Hi, Ishida-kun!" Inoue called with a wave. "We don't know where we are!"

"Um…right," Ishida said.

"Seriously, what is it with all the Japanese kids?" Robin asked, apparently still holding out hope that someone might provide an answer.

"I _told_ you, dude, that girl _can't_ be Japanese, she's got big ti…" Beast Boy began, but was cut off again, this time by a casual backhanded slap from Raven.

"Do you have a _problem_ with Japanese people?" Sasuke inquired darkly, his hands folded in front of his face.

"What? No, I…"

**Oh! Speaking of Japanese people…**

"Oh, no…"

There was another popping sound, louder this time, and suddenly the room was considerably more crowded.

"What the…Hey! Where'd Tsukasa and Subaru go? Bear?"

"What has happened? Aku?"

"Wah! Nono is lost!"

"Where am I? Sasuke? Sasuke-kun!"

"Miroku? Is that you?"

"Shippo? Are the others here?"

"Tidus? Are you there?"

"Shippo! Miroku! What happened?"

"Hey, what is this, _dattebayo_?"

"Kagome! I smell a demon! No, wait—a half-demon!"

"You smell a _what_?" Raven asked.

**Inuyasha and Raven are the same! They should go out or something!**

"_What?_" Raven and Kagome said in unison.

"Uhhh…" Inuyasha hesitated, unsure of what to do next—naïve as he was about romance, he knew one thing for certain: girls tended to injure him when he said something wrong in delicate situations.

"Inuyasha! You were considering it, weren't you!"

"Um…no?"

"_SIT, BOY!_"

Inuyasha hit the ground with a thump, sending pieces of floor tile everywhere. Raven idly wondered if she could somehow figure out how to do the same to Beast Boy. And Robin, and Cyborg—any other boy she knew, really.

"What is going _on_?" Robin muttered hopelessly to himself, putting his head down on the kitchen table.

"Mentoc knows! Mentoc knows _all_! _Oooweeeoooo!_" shrieked a strange green man with a goatee.

"Honestly, where does this author get off sticking me with some complete stranger just because we're both half-demons?" Raven asked rhetorically. "Is his concept of true romance really that shallow?"

"Oooh, sprechen Sie _Sexy_," drawled a boy dressed like some sort of bird-related superhero's sidekick, but with a pink cardigan overtop. Raven frowned irritably and, without even looking, used her powers to fling her empty mug at the boy's groin at a fair fraction of the speed of sound. He gasped, wheezed a little, and then fell over.

"No love for Peanut…" he groaned from the floor.

"Ha ha ha! Nut," exclaimed a man in a tuxedo who was wearing an eye patch.

**Now it's time for the North Americans! Yay!**

"Who _dares_ interrupt the plans of the amazing _ZIM!_"

"Headless clown!"

"Where the sitch are we?"

"KP! Language! There are children here!"

"Right, like we wouldn't hear anything worse than that in _kindergarten_. Besides, I live with the physical incarnation of death."

"Maaaaannnndyyyyyyy!"

"Back off! I'll make you teensy!"

"Ooooh, _scary man_."

"Back off yourself, shorty, or I'll sic Bitey the Vampire on you."

"_SPOOOOOON!_"

"Oh, Deeexteeeerrr! Wheeeeeerrrre aaaaaarrrrreee yooooouuuuu?"

"Blossom! Buttercup! I think the creepy mean one with purple hair sounds like _me_!"

"What, really?"

"We'll see about that!"

"You'll _what_?" Raven asked. "Seriously, does the author have it out for me or what?"

**And now for the Internet! Hooray!**

"Not _more_…" Cyborg said, putting his head in his hands.

"I know! This weird little fox kid won't leave me alone!" Beast Boy whined.

"I vastly enjoy utilizing obscure words in a facetious manner," said a man in a blue shirt who had just appeared.

"I don't know what that means!" an anthropomorphized grey cat cried excitedly.

"It means you're an _idiot_," said his companion, a similarly upright feline who was an unlikely shade of pink.

"Oooh, furries. That's kinky—Peanut likee," the boy in the bird suit said, apparently fully recovered.

"I'm going to start _wounding_ you now," growled the pink one.

"Ha ha ha! Deviancy," exclaimed the man with the eye patch.

"This is insane!" Robin shouted. "I can't take any more of this!"

**But _I_ can keep going like this all day! I haven't even started in on Gundam, or Kenshin, or Ghost in the Shell, or Spongebob Squarepants…So many choices! So many characters! I'll put them _all_ in! Like…like…every obsessive perfectionist! And then every incredibly perky girl! And then every silly comic relief guy, and then every depressed sarcastic girl, and then every anime girl with purple hair _ever_! And then…and then…and…and…and…yhnbgbnhgvfcunyhjb7m kyhbnnnnnnnnnngu67777777777777777777777777777777777777v bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbgg**

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"Umm…hello? Is anyone there?" Robin asked. "Guys, I think the author has had a stroke or something and fallen on his keyboard."

"It's about goddamned time!" Raven yelled. "I don't think I could take the addition of any more characters that are marginally similar to me in some incredibly obscure way!"

"No kidding," Beast Boy agreed. "Who knew there were so many goofy comic-relief guys?"

"Hey, at least you _got_ some similar characters," Cyborg complained. "I got _squat_!"

"Yeah, I noticed that," Robin said. "You lucky bastard."

"Tell me, Robin, is this compulsive addition of characters to this story evidence of some sort of psychosis on the part of the author?" Starfire asked.

"I dunno. Probably," Robin replied with a shrug. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence, broken only by a cry of "I am _ZIM!_" Cyborg cleared his throat.

"So, uh, what do we do now?" he asked. Starfire got a big smile on her face.

"Ooh! _Ooh_! I know!" she cried, excited beyond any reasonable limit. "Dance break!"

Everyone, even the minor characters that nobody cares about, stared in horror as Starfire began flailing around spastically in an unsurpassable failure at 'Earth dancing'.

"Everybody have fun tonight!" she sang. "Come on, friends, sing along! Everybody Wang Chun tonight!" The crowd of unnecessary characters gave a collective shudder.

"Yay! We're doomed!" screamed a small fluorescent green dog.

"You took the words right out of my mouth," Raven muttered.

_-FIN-_

**Author's Note:** So yeah, I don't much like the crossovers either. They can be done well when they're focused on some particular character interaction for a reason that isn't completely superficial, but those are rare. Take the abundant Titans/Inuyasha crossovers, for instance—just because Raven and Inuyasha are both half-demons they're suddenly made for each other? I don't think so. What I hate the most, though, are the crossovers that follow the old "everybody suddenly likes a crossover character" format. For instance, in the Titans/Inuyasha example, Raven getting paired up with Inuyasha (or Sesshomaru, or both), Starfire with Miroku, Robin with Sango or Kagome, and then Cyborg and Beast Boy have to draw straws for who's left or something. Let's think about this in the sense that the group of characters who are crossing over are kind of like tourists—if I go to, say, Japan, on a vacation with a bunch of my friends, we don't all forget about our pre-existing relationships and pair off with Japanese people. We might make new friends, sure, but barring some earth-shattering event I'm not going to break up with my girlfriend or something to pursue some Japanese chick just because I'm in Japan. In the same way, if the Titans somehow find themselves deposited in _feudal_ Japan, Robin probably isn't going to ignore Starfire (or Raven, depending on your leaning) in favour of some girl he's never even _met_ before. At least, not without a _very_ good reason. Please note: this does _not_ amount in any way to me advocating so-called 'pairings' within the team, or in any other context—this is purely a 'how would people really act' issue. I know this isn't what this chapter is really about, but I honestly can't say this enough: God dammit, I _hate_ pairings. Just tell the story, don't tell me who ends up with who right from the start!

Bah, I'm ranting again. I started out pretty lucid, I think, but it all went to hell when I mentioned pairings, as usual.

Oh, and a cookie or something for whoever can figure out all the characters I used!

**To My Reviewers:**

Silverchild of the winds: Hmmm…I'm actually not quite sure what you're saying, but I'm glad you're laughing.

darkchildlover: "Dudette"? Maybe I shouldn't have taken my sex down from my profile. I'm a guy. Yes, some of us _do_ care about our grammar, but it might be a mistake to take me as being representative of my gender, if for no other reason than that I don't drink myself stupid whenever I get the chance.

i feel awfully random: Ah, but you see, then it wouldn't be _you_ anymore, it would be your clone. Even if your clone has all your memories, can we really say it's _you_? Or if you gradually replace your entire body with organ transplants, are you still really _you_? Ah, the mindfuck that is personal identity. Don't take philosophy, kids! Or drugs. Although if you take one, you might very well want to take the other.

Lavender Gaia: Yeah, Rogue is a mutant on the _edge_. I don't read the X-Men Evolution fanfics—how many Jean-kills is she up to? And the Titans appear sane? I'll have to fix that. Nobody who prances around in spandex can be sane.

Overactive Mind: Everybody _does_ love pie. It's true. Those who don't love pie are freaks of nature! Mmmm…_pie_. Oh, and VG Cats is awesome. You might notice a guest appearance, actually…

Mint Dragon: _You_ feel old? Seventh grade was _nine_ years ago for me. Take _that_, young'un! And I think it's a safe bet that pretty much all fanfics that revolve around vampires are morbid and ridiculously angsty. Seriously, are there no happy vampires?


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